Mental Suicide

A few things first: This is a scatterbrain post to myself, to maybe help me gain perspective.  If you gain something from this as well, great.

Suicide

Hearing or saying that word makes you look around, concerned about what others will think or say about you, doesn’t it?  For me, it’s a topic of thought that has been floating around in my mind since 9th grade, nearly a decade ago. 

I’m not talking about the infatuation of how to end things and move on to the next dimension.  It’s just seeing a futility in the improvements I’ve made since embarking on my personal journey to become my own boss and gain financial stable.  A pointless mastery of sleeping with American women who are selling something that I’m not looking to buy.  Talking with people who don’t seem to understand how life is like a game that everyone wants to believe is absolutely real, and take things too seriously.

Clinical Diagnosis: depression.  Personal Diagnosis: un-fulfilling life. 

Clinical Treatment: drugs.  Personal Treatment: unknown (for now).

First step when I hit these low situations is to pull back and do my best to objectively evaluate how I got to this mental point. 

Maybe it’s been my recent life situations:

• Working a job for a company, spending the majority of my productive time (and sunlight time) making money for someone else, with the constant internal reminder that I am not doing what I want to be doing. (Don’t get me wrong, people there are great, and the job is what I’m good at, just not a long-term life choice)
• I lost a close family member unexpectedly, someone who would always (I mean always) have kind words and made me feel like the world was a nice place with nice people. 
• I foolishly trusted business partners on a venture without getting exact terms down on paper, and now I’m in the process of recuperating what I can of the 5 figure investment through court (set me back a couple of years financially, and exposure to some scary situations and people for a young guy).
• I’ve unintentionally isolated myself from old and new friends for the pursuit of my own personal goals
• I turned 24 in the past few months.

That last one.  Twenty Four. 

I remember exactly what I was telling myself at 21. Where I would be, and the sacrifices I was ‘willing’ to make to reach those goals. They weren’t even psycho goals of millions of dollars!  One was about burning off 10 pounds of fat and gaining the tan, fit, athletic build I know I’m capable of (Note: I’m already pretty fit.  198lbs, ~15% bf, 4 pack, Squat 225lbs, Deadlift 315, Swim 3000 meters straight).    And here I am today, 3 years later, with little progress, having maintained the same shape and form, the small layer of subcutaneous fat around the belly that only I would notice or talk about.  Now I feel that subcutaneous layer developing in my mind, a barrier that’s building up for me to overcome in order to take the leap into a different lifestyle.

And I already know what some would be thinking right now, and what others have told me.  To take stock at how lucky I am for my current life situation.  White…tall…fit…male…job…single….good family…from an outsiders perspective, you could say that people would die to be in my position, right?  And I’m aware of the counter arguments too: how you can’t compare your benchmark to others, because you don’t know their life sotry and own personal strife.

I don’t want to say I’m depressed cause that’s just some stupid attention seeking behavior.  It even feels like this post is a statement to elicit pity from the reader. I feel like I can’t admit when I’m sad, down, or angry (especially admit that to women) because it’s something that’s not ‘manly’ and can be used as emotional ammunition down the line.

Anyways, my past attempts to fill this void:

• Workout Hard (5×5 Strong Lifts, Long Distance Swimming)
• Yoga (4 x week)
• Eat healthy (meat, vegetables, healthy fats, water)
• Supplements (Fish oil, Green Tea, Vitamin D, Zinc, Bulletproof Coffee, Alpha Brain, Creatine, Phosphatidyl Choline, Tyrosine from time to time)
• Consistent Sleeping Schedule
• Multiple Business Ventures
• New Programming Languages
• Making New Friends

I find it funny how after I write that, you’d think my resulting happiness would at least be something to be proud of.  And yes it’s been good, but I’m just unsure of what I really want. I pull myself into multiple directions from what I see other great men achieve. I climb and conqueror multiple mental mountains, only to realize that once I get to the top of this fictitious mountain, I actually just want to create art, travel, and not chase after societal milestones of success.  Or is that just an excuse to not have to push through towards the larger goals?

Maybe I’m just seeking answers to my mental quagmire that can never be answered. Maybe I’m really the crazy one who believes that life just isn’t real.  A simulation that we all awake from at the end of our lives (link).

Even as I write, a self-conscious mindset begins to develop and turn into this vicious cycle of cat n mouse, wanting to let the creativity flow , yet also wanting makes me aware of the futility…and I end up just writing a couple of sentences or building half a website, and then giving up on the thought because I see the whole discussion as silly because I’m the audience I’m writing for.

I’m just one of those guys trying to figure things out, and god damn, it can take you to hard places if you’re unwilling to  bullshit yourself to the reality of life.

Future Plans:

• Lab tests (Testosterone Deficiency, Thyroid Deficiency ‘T3 & T5’, Growth Hormone Deficiency)
• Supplements (Kratom,Glutathione)
• Keep writing
• Keep working out
• Keep pushing through the bullshit mindset
• Continue development on 2 other ventures that are low-cost